Unused Bermanesque Nicknames

Anyone who is familiar with Chris Berman knows he has a proclivity for corny player nicknames.  Whether it is one as simple as Ben "Winter" Coates or a lengthier one like Jake "Day Light Come and I Want to" Delhomme, it never fails in the cheesy factor.

My disdain for Berman is well-documented, with something as recent as the last blog post that details how obnoxious of a baseball announcer he is.  On NFL Sunday Countdown, his sentences are so verbose to the point where the pitch of his voice lowers so much and he begins to sound like Jiminy Glick.  Regardless, he has a knack for coming up with a nickname for nearly every player.

Notice how I said nearly every player.  This brings us to the premise of the article.  Nothing New on the News has unearthed some archived Chris Berman type nicknames. They are mostly pop culture or intellectual references, so if you do not understand it, click on the hyperlink within the name.  They do not fail in terms of lameness.  Take a look:


NBA


Al-Farouq Aminu Acid

"Marvin the MarShon" Brooks

Sasha Pavlovic's Dog

"General" Greivis Vasquez

Omer "The Iron" Asik

Hasheem "We Got" Thabeet

Brian "Itzy Bitzy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot" Scalabrine

Danny "Walker, Texas" Granger

Aaron Afflalo the Leader

Jonny "In Like" Flynn

Kirk Hinrich Maneuver

"Bismack my Bitch up" Biyombo

Trevor "Thick" Booker

"She"Nene Hilario


MLB


Andre Ethier Said Than Done

Robinson Canó He Dit-int

Jayson "For What It's" Werth

Dan "This Could Get" Uggla

Xavier "My Fair" Nady

Mark Buehrle Bird Gets the Worm

Jordany Valdespin Me Right Round


NFL


Stephen "When the Moon Hits your Eye like a Big Pizza" Paea

Matt Roth IRA

Josh Sitton on the Toilet

Sam "Ya" Hurd

Anquan Boldin Retriever

Jeff Saturday Night Fever

Joseph "Live and Let" Addai

John Kuhn Skin Cap

Haloti Ngata gonna work here anymore (:25 seconds in)

Tim Fugger?  I hardly know her!

Kyle Orton Hears a Who

Zane "Meet the" Beadles

Roy Heluuuuuuuu!

Jason "Idiot" Avant

Thomas DeCoud d'état

Barrett "How" Ruud

Brandon Saine in the Membrane


Tennis


Novak ""Is Wayne Brady Gonna Have to" Djokovic?

It's the Least Wonderful Time of the Year

Could there possibly be a worse time of year for sports than All-Star week of baseball?  The NBA just concluded its exciting season a few short weeks ago, hockey a few weeks earlier, and this is the doldrums for the NFL season.  This is one of a pair of three week stretches where there is honestly no football to talk about besides over-hyping how certain UDFA's did while playing non-contact football.  Some of the more fringe sports like tennis and soccer wrapped up major events prior to this week, with soccer concluding its Euro Cup and tennis with Wimbledon.  Lastly, while we're afforded the benefit of this year being an Olympics year, it still is a little ways away.

For starters, All-Star games in general are pretty terrible.  Nothing is worse than the Pro Bowl, which makes paddy cake look like the UFC.  Defense in the NBA All-Star Game is about as foreign as Borat Sagdiyev.  Finally, incompetency hit an all new high in the 2002 MLB All-Star Game when Bud Selig, Mr. Incompetent himself, declared the game a tie.  Tom Hanks's character Jimmy Dugan famously exclaimed to Evelyn Gardner  in A League of their Own, "There's no crying in baseball!" Maybe he should've told Bud Selig, "There no tying in baseball!"


The Monday night before is the 364th best sports day of the year.  That's me being nice because I'm not counting this year as a leap year.  Could there possibly be a worse announcer for baseball than Chris Berman?  To take it a step further, is there anything worse than a Home Run Derby announced by Chris Berman?  Do you realize how many times he excruciatingly said, "BACKBACKBACKBACK..." tonight?  The guy sounds like the Cadbury Easter Bunny when he incessantly says that.  Don't believe me? Here's a clip:

Maybe we can just get him to announce the HR Derby next year instead. Would anyone notice? 

Finally, Wednesday has got to be the dullest sports day of the entire year.  There's no baseball games scheduled and like I mentioned above, no other legitimate sports have any games or events on the docket.  God forbid I open a book (I thought that's why I graduated college?).  Wednesday is probably the one day of the year where I actually would want to work.  For now, however, I'll be checking out of life and setting my mental alarm (pop!) for Thursday.

NFL Predictions -- Week 4

Last week was another solid week for straight ups, going 12-4 but only 9-7 against the spread.  For the year, that makes it 36-12 on straight up bets and 28-20 against the spread.

Here we go...

BEARS (-6.5) over Panthers -- CHI 17-6

BENGALS (+2.5) over Bills -- BUF 21-20

Titans (+1.5) over BROWNS -- TEN 17-14

COWBOYS (-2.5) over Lions -- DAL 27-24

Vikings (+1.5) over CHIEFS -- MIN 20-16

Redskins (+0.5) over RAMS -- WAS 21-17

EAGLES (-6.5) over 49ers -- PHI 30-13

Saints (-7.5) over JAGUARS -- NO 23-10

Steelers (+3.5) over TEXANS -- PIT 23-20

CARDINALS (+1.5) over Giants -- NYG 28-27

SEAHAWKS (+4.5) over Falcons -- ATL 20-17

PACKERS (-13.5) over Broncos -- GB 31-14

Patriots (-4.5) over RAIDERS -- NE 38-28

Dolphins (+7.5) over CHARGERS -- SD 24-20

Jets (+3.5) over RAVENS -- NYJ 17-14

BUCS (-9.5) over Colts -- TB 24-13

Loud Music Highlight and Low-light of the Month

In the span of 24 hours, I witnessed two opposite ends of the music spectrum.  While in downtown Greensboro after a night of trivia, I heard an SUV bumping "N*ggas in Paris" ...and it was awesome.  However, the next day while at work in Hillsborough, I heard from across a busy street someone blasting Nickelback with her windows down.

It's really sad that our society has millions of Nickelback fans. I must ask,  "How the hell did we wind up like this?"

September Sports Look-Alike of the Month

With the first month of the NFL season in the books, here is a starter to my sports look-alikes of the month

                                                                                +

=

Not pictured:  Cam as Rob Ryan

As a side note, when watching the "Modern Family" premier last week, I thought to myself that Gloria (played by Sofia Vergara) was the hottest TV show character I've seen riding a horse since Melody from "Hey Dude."

Week 3 Predictions

Last week was a solid one for straight up bets, going 13-3 in that regard.  As for spreads, I went 10-6.  For the year, that makes me 24-8 on straight up bets and 19-13 against the spread.

On to Week 3...


Patriots (-8.5) over BILLS --  NE 38-27

49ers (+2.5) over BENGALS -- CIN 14-13

BROWNS (-2.5) over Dolphins -- CLE 17-14

TITANS (-6.5) over Broncos -- TEN 24-13

Lions (-3.5) over VIKINGS -- DET 24-20

SAINTS (-3.5) over Texans -- NO 27-21

EAGLES (-7.5) over Giants -- PHI 20-10

PANTHERS (-3.5) over Jaguars -- CAR 17-13

RAIDERS (+3.5) over Jets --- NYJ 17-16

Ravens (-4.5) over RAMS -- BAL 23-14

Chiefs (+14.5) over CHARGERS -- SD 27-14

BEARS (+3.5) over Packers -- GB 20-17

SEAHAWKS (+3.5) over Cardinals -- SEA 16-10

BUCS (+1.5) over Falcons -- TB 31-28

Steelers (+10.5) over COLTS -- PIT 20-7

Redskins (+6.5) over COWBOYS -- DAL 24-21

Week 2 Predictions

Last week I was 11-5 on the straight up and 9-7 against the spread.  Let's see how this week fares...

REDSKINS (-3.5) over Cards -- WAS 21-17

JETS (-10.5) over Jags -- NYJ 17-6

SAINTS (-6.5) over Bears -- NO 27-17

Bucs (+2.5) over VIKINGS -- TB 17-13

Packers (-10.5) over PANTHERS -- GB 28-10

Raiders (+3.5) over BILLS -- OAK 20-17

TITANS (+5.5) over Ravens -- BAL 17-16

Browns (+2.5) over COLTS -- CLE 19-17

Chiefs (+8.5) over LIONS -- DET 24-16

STEELERS (-14.5) over Seahawks -- PIT 24-3

Cowboys (-3.5) over 49ERS -- DAL 20-10

Texans (-2.5) over DOLPHINS -- HOU 23-20

Chargers (+5.5) over PATRIOTS -- NE 28-24

Bengals (+5.5) over BRONCOS -- DEN 14-10

FALCONS (+3) over Eagles -- ATL 27-24

RAMS (+6.5) over Giants -- STL 20-17


Easy money:  Tampa Bay, Washington, Pittsburgh
Toughest picks: Tennessee, Cleveland, Cincinnati